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June 7, 2006
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In twilight, as sun sets on my last year,
A message draws my gaze toward the west:
A girl in black proffers to me a test,
A sweet confession whispered in my ear.

A sparrow's heart is beating in my breast:
To think that love from friendship's seed had grown!
A hand to hold, an eye to catch my own,
Tranquility upon a sea of rest.

The heartbeat pacing in its cage of bone
As if to burst forth to its calling twin
Itself calls out, invites a lover in:
Why let her spend another day alone?

But if her mouth should meet mine in a kiss,
Those hearts might burst, o'erfull with newfound bliss.
This sonnet combines Petrarchian and Spenserian rhyme: I started out intending to rock the Italian, but then the poem got away from me a bit. I like the ABBA pattern, which is why I prefer the Petrarchian style, but instead of using that straight for two stanzas, I interlaced the rhyme a bit. I like the idea, but did I pull it off? Please, tell me what you think of it, and of how the scheme aids or hinders the poem. Advanced critiques are encouraged!
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:iconinvaderstellar:
InvaderSTELLAR Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2009
Hello, magicalgirl!
Oh, this is a wonderful poem you have written here! My favorite lines are "In twilight, as sun sets on my last year, A message draws my gaze toward the west, A girl in black proffers to me a test, A sweet confession whispered in my ear. ".
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:iconmorgan-i-maboy:
Morgan-I-Maboy Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2009  Student Writer
Wow, the imagery is great!
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:iconyakitate-art:
yakitate-art Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2006
This has some solid images, but I'm trying not to feel like a downer - I'm just not into sappy poetry! XD As far as rhymes and rhythm adn all that icky but necessary stuff when it comes down to sonnets, a+. However, again...

THE SAP. You really do got the loves bad, doncha?
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:iconmagicalgirl:
magicalgirl Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2006
I've got the loves so bad that I hope that she looks at the poem again and sees how badly I've got 'em! :faint:
I'm glad that, even with your being opposed to sappiness, you find the icky bits to be solid.

I think that sonnets have something to do with the cultural ideals of beauty: the world over, the one constant in standards of beauty is that maintaining beauty is difficult. Maybe that's why sonnets are associated with love and beauty: everyone knows that all men are unattractive, but if he can write a poem in that back-asswards crazy format of rigid doom, he must be devoted and serious!
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:iconforgotten-thoughts:
forgotten-thoughts Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2006
p.s. the images "A sparrow's heart is beating in my breast", "Tranquility upon a sea of rest." and "The heartbeat pacing in its cage of bone" are all very nice and stick out to me.

and i just now noticed that your rhyme scheme is actually ABBA BCCB CDDC, and, well, it's very subtle. i think it's what makes the poem flow so smoothly. really, really nice touch.


i forgot to mention, though, that a few of these images are a little cliche... a couple of images that bothered me a little-- "A girl in black" (which i realise is specific to reality, but perhaps something a little less blunt?) and "Those hearts might burst, o'erfull with newfound bliss." (but that's just a personal irritation.. i've never liked those "o'ers and the like...)
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:iconmagicalgirl:
magicalgirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2006
Heh, there we go - now she's serious!

I'm glad that the "Tranquility" line worked for you; it's a play on her name, so I worried that it might not flow for everyone. The rhyme scheme, too - I looked on wikipedia, bless its server, for information on styles of sonnets and combined my favorite ideas. Weaving the rhymes between stanzas is what makes the rhymes worth doing, in my opinion; if we're just working in couplets, we might as well be skipping rope in the playground for all the poetic bliss I get from it.

As for the clichés, I'm not going to re-write reality, but there might be another image that could fit her without echoing every emo love poem from here to Sheezyart. And hey, come on - what fun is a sonnet without a good apostrophe? Eh? Come on, you know you love it . . . but I'll give your comments thought. Is "o'er" the only part of the line that bothers you, or is it the whole bursting with bliss bit?

- F.A.R. out
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:iconforgotten-thoughts:
forgotten-thoughts Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2006
no. no i hate it. those have always bothered me and i dont know why. for me, it's akin to saying something like "broughten" or "aint gonna"...i just dont get why you wouldnt just say it correctly.. well, i do, but it bothers me. a lot. but no, i dont expect you to change that. just giving my two cents. and yes, it's just the "o'er". the rest is fine.

i dont follow the name bit. do you mean the french? mer? funny, because when i think of the shortening of that name, i always think of it as "mere". hahahahahaha, awesome. she is perfect for you in that respect--i know how you love mothers.

you're only echoing my sentiment with your comments on the image of the girl in black. i dont expect you to rewrite reality by any means. no, no, no.
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:iconmagicalgirl:
magicalgirl Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2006
oh you bitch i have no mom fetish

Funny, though, I used to spell it that way until I was talking with a friend of hers online. Also, her name means "guardian of the sea" (and mine "guardian of the forest" - odd coincidence, that).

I get what you're saying, and I'll give it some thought. It's not just you on the "o'er", either - it's a crutch, albeit a well-established one, and if I can write the line another way, I ought to do so.
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:iconforgotten-thoughts:
forgotten-thoughts Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2006
dont even try to kid yourself, sweety. you're a mama's boy until death.

interesting coincidence. i like it. parallels between things sort of tickle me.. they fall on a list of little things that push my buttons in a pleasant way.

i think i'll list some of them now. in a journal.
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:iconforgotten-thoughts:
forgotten-thoughts Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2006
i like this. it's very smoothly flowing and as colleen pointed out, the rhymes arent forced at all.

and oh, oh how i adore the smooth sweetness of sonnets. the use of three stanzas in lieu of two is interesting, and works well for the subject matter.

my dear, you've picked my absolute favorite rhyme scheme, and the single couplet at the end brings the whole piece to a peaceful close.

some of your best work, i think.
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